Thursday, February 28, 2013

Slow Acceptance

Dearest Tragedy,
I realized that I will never be truly happy til I can fully accept myself for my faults and the things I can't change, but for the things I can change I need to set my mind to do it faithly everyday and give a 100% effort at it. I was called out today at work granted I have let myself go or slacked a lil than when I first got this gig, so now its time to go back way back to the old me. No more goin out, laughing, singing, or anything distracting. I'm goin back into my hole, no excuses no apologies. Maybe shutting myself off for a while is what I truly need to fully assess myself inside and out.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Re-Inventing Me

Dearest Tragedy,
No one told me that my life would turn out the way it has. I'm 29 now, a car and job to speak of and I have no college education to speak of other than my Certified Nursing Assistant Certification. It seems I'm always on a never ending search to find myself or at least start over and try to make myself happy again in my own skin. My love life is non-exsistant, how could I ever love someone when I truly don't even like what I see in the mirror. I had a recent trip to Vegas and it went no where except ruin my life. Before that trip I missed out on a great guy Brandon we dated about a month, now its too late...he's gone and I can't seem to wonder what if I was there...I'll never know. When will I begin to see myself smile again, I dunno know I started this blogging again so I wouldn't lose my mind completely. I dunno what to do or where to go anymore I've hit rock bottom and can't seem to find my way back to the top I can see why some people kill their selves.  Monsters and voices are in my head some days dunno why my life has been full of craziness I guess I can only truly blame myself. 

Now Its time to change things, no more complaining I need to set up a plan and stick to it I'm almost 30 with very little to show for my life. Yes I've saved lives and  helped people, but none of that matter in the gay community it seems or at least now what I have observed since I've been out for about 10yrs now. I soon plan to be actually enrolling into some kinda educational establishment by September 2013 crossing fingers. I'm goin to also try my hardest to change how I eat and try tpo become more healthy. I'll try to post every month or when I feel I need to express myself. I use to have a journal those have been now in the past and it seems people have been doin blog or vid-blogs for yrs, lets see if this will help me accept myself by facing myself as I type and re-read these after time.