I'm Tired

Dearest Tragedy,

  I just been having a really shitty day, month, or what have you. I like my job, but I'm now thinking of a career change once again. Maybe I just need some meds to keep my mind from racing. I expose alot of myself online I shouldn't care what people think, but I can't lie I do. I've been called crazy, desperate, needy (I'll admit that), jaded (at times), asshole (can be), and many others I can list. I wonder what just what will it take for me to completely go over the edge, what will bring me to my limit of breakin to the point I just say fuck it? I honestly don't know I cry out for love and to be held when at times I dunno even know how to love and hold myself, but yet if I decide to just sleep around and be an empty shell then that's also wrong. I can't rule in death by suicide my family totally isn't ready for another death without explanation plus I was told suicide is for selfish people. I have others who say let the lord do  his work, are you even letting the lord in etc etc etc, well if I didn't let him in do you think I'd be goin thru storms that I can barely handle or am I causing my own storms hoping and striving for everyone else's approval in life. There are no backup plans, there are no such things as do-overs just me dealing with my inner self trying to accept the things on the outside. What is love and what is acceptance....if you figure that out I'd buy you a steak no complaints. I am unstable emotionally I give too much of myself in hope that the other person would feel the same, that's all a fairytale. I can barely sleep and function much any more and its causing me to lose too much focus that I forget days I work, what I've already agreed to, and conversations I've had. I'd commit myself, but I can't afford it financially. All I can say is "what now!"

I Need Some "ME" Time

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I had a recent trip to Atl for photo shoot. It went ok I guess you can say. I met people that I've chatted with for years and seen a nice city even had a new experience. Even though. The trip was purely mostly business geared I was too tired to do most this even though I did a lot of running around I should have just relaxed and took in the who experience. Now I'm back home (Columbus) kinda wish I could redo this past weekend. I'm still dancing in my old ways of things and I always tend to overthink its one of my of my character flaws. I'm feeling empty and lonely more than usual I'm happy I moved to a new state and happy I'm experiening new things, bit just feels like somethings missing. I'm starting school soon as well 2 mynute certifications, but I think its what is best for me at this point right now.
  I do though want to start making and sharing memories with someone. My health seems to be ok, but been having a lot of headaches, sharp chest pains, pelvic pain, lower back pain w/ spasms, and knees are getting bad so my age is starting to catch up with me. Just hope I age gracefully and my health gets a little better.