Missing Me

Dearest Tragedy,
    I'm falling back into a slump of things. I dunno how to fix these mood swings is I guess the best way to describe them. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself whether it be inner health or outer beauty. I have a job I love and I love seeing different cities, buy there's always that feeling of somethings missing. It's weird to say, but I guess I need guidance and I've been looking into gay friendly churches since that ass I know. Is it possible to be gay and christian? I don't know what I want or need anymore. The feeling of being completely lost. I guess that's what really draws me to the road. I won't lie I do have a tendency to live life thru others pictures of fun. I see lots of hot bears at bear events enjoying each other. I see pups and their owners enjoying each other. Sir's and there boy's being obedient their order's, but also showing their deep love and respect. Whether I read #foxbear's blog or try to understand #noodlesansbeef life with 4 other pups with a total of 5 people being in one relationship. I can barely find one and I see these other relationships which seem happy. I don't really see any black bears around any kinda relationships like that. I also don't think I fit in to the normal black culture where we thought of as lazy and troublesome.

    I always wondered and will forever wonder if I were white would life be different and how much different would it really be. I look happy on the outside and at times I am happy, but also deep down I wonder would life be different as another race. I've gone therapist and psychologist, but they all say the same that I need something to make me balance whether it be meds or writing in a journal just something to let my thoughts out and off my chest. Maybe oneday I'll fine my inner and outer peace.

Sincerely,
  Tragic

Inside My Mind

Dearest Tragedy,
    So I moved to Fort Lauderdale Florida and so far I guess things are ok. I'm still inside my head about a few things. Yes my color is still an issue, but also my weight has increased which I'm very upset about. I can't really so anything about it cause I have to keep working to keep money in the bank. Everyone is all about BODY in ft lauderdale more than any other place. I need to drop 80lbs like asap, but that's going to be something hard to achieve. I'm always chasing something or someone and I know I've said that lots of times, but it's the truth. I dream of things that I'm afraid to grasp for some reason.    We went to San Francisco recently and I guess you can say I was promiscuous more than I've ever been. Most people won't admit it, but I will. The funny thing I always wondered what a plentiful sex life would be like. I can now say I know, but each time it's becoming more like putting on clothes. I want to settle down yet I know I'm not fully financially ready to completely take care of someone yet. It'd have to be the "daddy" persay because I live on the road. I love it out here and maybe it's my fear of not being able to conform to another office job, but I love the open road even tho I'm technically homesless. Hopefully one day I can be stronger and take more changes.

Sincerely Yours,
Tragic

New Year Same Ole Me

Dearest Tragedy,
    Well I made it thru the Prime trucking orientation and got finally got my CDL. Only lasted 6 months sad to say and came home cause I was home sick. Got home found a really crappie job that I just left and said "I quit" which took everything within me to stay there as long as I did. So I went to Florida and got with a transportation company instead of trucking which seems a little better. I have to fight thru cause I'm getting in a rut for no reason. I never fully  give things a chance. The freight is low thru the winter season and will pic up very soon. I've been doing uber to supplement my income for now. I still have my moments  of weakness. I want love and to be happy, but I'm still not happy with myself. How can I learn to love myself more so I can give myself to someone oneday.

Sincerely,
    Tragic