Missing Me

Dearest Tragedy,
    I'm falling back into a slump of things. I dunno how to fix these mood swings is I guess the best way to describe them. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself whether it be inner health or outer beauty. I have a job I love and I love seeing different cities, buy there's always that feeling of somethings missing. It's weird to say, but I guess I need guidance and I've been looking into gay friendly churches since that ass I know. Is it possible to be gay and christian? I don't know what I want or need anymore. The feeling of being completely lost. I guess that's what really draws me to the road. I won't lie I do have a tendency to live life thru others pictures of fun. I see lots of hot bears at bear events enjoying each other. I see pups and their owners enjoying each other. Sir's and there boy's being obedient their order's, but also showing their deep love and respect. Whether I read #foxbear's blog or try to understand #noodlesansbeef life with 4 other pups with a total of 5 people being in one relationship. I can barely find one and I see these other relationships which seem happy. I don't really see any black bears around any kinda relationships like that. I also don't think I fit in to the normal black culture where we thought of as lazy and troublesome.

    I always wondered and will forever wonder if I were white would life be different and how much different would it really be. I look happy on the outside and at times I am happy, but also deep down I wonder would life be different as another race. I've gone therapist and psychologist, but they all say the same that I need something to make me balance whether it be meds or writing in a journal just something to let my thoughts out and off my chest. Maybe oneday I'll fine my inner and outer peace.

Sincerely,
  Tragic

Inside My Mind

Dearest Tragedy,
    So I moved to Fort Lauderdale Florida and so far I guess things are ok. I'm still inside my head about a few things. Yes my color is still an issue, but also my weight has increased which I'm very upset about. I can't really so anything about it cause I have to keep working to keep money in the bank. Everyone is all about BODY in ft lauderdale more than any other place. I need to drop 80lbs like asap, but that's going to be something hard to achieve. I'm always chasing something or someone and I know I've said that lots of times, but it's the truth. I dream of things that I'm afraid to grasp for some reason.    We went to San Francisco recently and I guess you can say I was promiscuous more than I've ever been. Most people won't admit it, but I will. The funny thing I always wondered what a plentiful sex life would be like. I can now say I know, but each time it's becoming more like putting on clothes. I want to settle down yet I know I'm not fully financially ready to completely take care of someone yet. It'd have to be the "daddy" persay because I live on the road. I love it out here and maybe it's my fear of not being able to conform to another office job, but I love the open road even tho I'm technically homesless. Hopefully one day I can be stronger and take more changes.

Sincerely Yours,
Tragic

New Year Same Ole Me

Dearest Tragedy,
    Well I made it thru the Prime trucking orientation and got finally got my CDL. Only lasted 6 months sad to say and came home cause I was home sick. Got home found a really crappie job that I just left and said "I quit" which took everything within me to stay there as long as I did. So I went to Florida and got with a transportation company instead of trucking which seems a little better. I have to fight thru cause I'm getting in a rut for no reason. I never fully  give things a chance. The freight is low thru the winter season and will pic up very soon. I've been doing uber to supplement my income for now. I still have my moments  of weakness. I want love and to be happy, but I'm still not happy with myself. How can I learn to love myself more so I can give myself to someone oneday.

Sincerely,
    Tragic

Getting Closer

Dearest Tragedy,
     Well I'm almost done with this whole orientation course with PrimeInc and in a month God willing I'll be in my own truck. A lot have asked why I wanted to be a trucker and I always hopefully to become finally stable. I don't know how much money to be made just yet, but I haven't seen the big money yet. I dunno what the future holds for me. I'm socially awkward, I don't have many friends due to my no bs mentality. Maybe this was the best move for me only time will tell.

Moment Of Weakness

Dearest Tragedy,
   So I'm getting closer to my goal of becoming a trucker I take my CDL exam on June 17th so I'm crossing my fingers. Even though I'm making great progress in my goal to learn a trade before the end of the year. I always a the feeling of being lonely though I am glad that I finally decided to become a trucker. It will force me to learn to love myself and will reassure me that the only love and approval I need is my own plus the man upstairs. My life has been an utter whirlwind of ups and down. I'm always trying to find ways to runaway or have life experiences, but I always fall short. I see different cities now on a daily basis. I just need to figure out how to actually experience them with the time allowed.

Coming Along

Dearest Tragedy,
    So I didn't fully finish at rosedale tech, but I was offered to finish my CDL training at PrimeInc. It's been a few weeks in this program and I'm doing it driving a big 18 wheeler, but I'm still lonely. There's gotta be something mentally wrong with me or something. I have no stress out here other than the few bills I have to pay. There's alot to be said about me switching to trucking I'm totally always near my kinda guy some need to remember to shower, but they are some sexy truckers out here. I keep my comments to myself tho my eyes tell everything lol.
   I'll probably be blogging more than I use to when I first creates my blog page. I'll probably blog after my hours are done for the day. That way I can remember everything that happened in that day whether it be bad or a good day. I finally made it to Toronto, Ontario that I've been trying for years to get to. I didn't get experience it the way I'd like to, but the scenery was beautiful. The landscape across America that I've seen so far is breath taking. I also get to see part of Niagara Falls. It wasn't the falls part, it still was nice to see what I could see of it. Just can't wait til I get my own truck and start making this big money.

Sincerely,
Tragedy
   

New Years 2014/2015 ReCap

Dearest Tragedy,


  Well I'm 31 years old now and I'm back home in Pittsburgh Pa. I only lasted in Columbus OH for about a month and half. It taught me a few things about living in another place. Even though I had roommates it still was good to see what I'm capable of doing if I put my mind to it. I found a ok job since I've been back in the medical field. I'm working in a Jewish nursing home and I'm enrolled at attend Rosedale Technical College for CDL/Trucking since I've been think about driving over the road again. I'm currently seeing someone I care a lot for him, but I still feel like something is missing. I love him, but not in love with him I know that will take time.
  With all this going on I still feel like I'm missing out. I'm struggling like everyone else is in this world and I'm still not fully happy. I think its because I' m not fully happy with myself. The sad thing is I don't know what it will take to be happy. I sometimes hear that I have very attractive facial features, but I don't feel attractive there are a few times I see a glimpse of seeing my "pretty". I just dunno what's going on with me anymore I just hope I find "me" soon.