Missing Me

Dearest Tragedy,
    I'm falling back into a slump of things. I dunno how to fix these mood swings is I guess the best way to describe them. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself whether it be inner health or outer beauty. I have a job I love and I love seeing different cities, buy there's always that feeling of somethings missing. It's weird to say, but I guess I need guidance and I've been looking into gay friendly churches since that ass I know. Is it possible to be gay and christian? I don't know what I want or need anymore. The feeling of being completely lost. I guess that's what really draws me to the road. I won't lie I do have a tendency to live life thru others pictures of fun. I see lots of hot bears at bear events enjoying each other. I see pups and their owners enjoying each other. Sir's and there boy's being obedient their order's, but also showing their deep love and respect. Whether I read #foxbear's blog or try to understand #noodlesansbeef life with 4 other pups with a total of 5 people being in one relationship. I can barely find one and I see these other relationships which seem happy. I don't really see any black bears around any kinda relationships like that. I also don't think I fit in to the normal black culture where we thought of as lazy and troublesome.

    I always wondered and will forever wonder if I were white would life be different and how much different would it really be. I look happy on the outside and at times I am happy, but also deep down I wonder would life be different as another race. I've gone therapist and psychologist, but they all say the same that I need something to make me balance whether it be meds or writing in a journal just something to let my thoughts out and off my chest. Maybe oneday I'll fine my inner and outer peace.

Sincerely,
  Tragic

Inside My Mind

Dearest Tragedy,
    So I moved to Fort Lauderdale Florida and so far I guess things are ok. I'm still inside my head about a few things. Yes my color is still an issue, but also my weight has increased which I'm very upset about. I can't really so anything about it cause I have to keep working to keep money in the bank. Everyone is all about BODY in ft lauderdale more than any other place. I need to drop 80lbs like asap, but that's going to be something hard to achieve. I'm always chasing something or someone and I know I've said that lots of times, but it's the truth. I dream of things that I'm afraid to grasp for some reason.    We went to San Francisco recently and I guess you can say I was promiscuous more than I've ever been. Most people won't admit it, but I will. The funny thing I always wondered what a plentiful sex life would be like. I can now say I know, but each time it's becoming more like putting on clothes. I want to settle down yet I know I'm not fully financially ready to completely take care of someone yet. It'd have to be the "daddy" persay because I live on the road. I love it out here and maybe it's my fear of not being able to conform to another office job, but I love the open road even tho I'm technically homesless. Hopefully one day I can be stronger and take more changes.

Sincerely Yours,
Tragic

New Year Same Ole Me

Dearest Tragedy,
    Well I made it thru the Prime trucking orientation and got finally got my CDL. Only lasted 6 months sad to say and came home cause I was home sick. Got home found a really crappie job that I just left and said "I quit" which took everything within me to stay there as long as I did. So I went to Florida and got with a transportation company instead of trucking which seems a little better. I have to fight thru cause I'm getting in a rut for no reason. I never fully  give things a chance. The freight is low thru the winter season and will pic up very soon. I've been doing uber to supplement my income for now. I still have my moments  of weakness. I want love and to be happy, but I'm still not happy with myself. How can I learn to love myself more so I can give myself to someone oneday.

Sincerely,
    Tragic

Getting Closer

Dearest Tragedy,
     Well I'm almost done with this whole orientation course with PrimeInc and in a month God willing I'll be in my own truck. A lot have asked why I wanted to be a trucker and I always hopefully to become finally stable. I don't know how much money to be made just yet, but I haven't seen the big money yet. I dunno what the future holds for me. I'm socially awkward, I don't have many friends due to my no bs mentality. Maybe this was the best move for me only time will tell.

Moment Of Weakness

Dearest Tragedy,
   So I'm getting closer to my goal of becoming a trucker I take my CDL exam on June 17th so I'm crossing my fingers. Even though I'm making great progress in my goal to learn a trade before the end of the year. I always a the feeling of being lonely though I am glad that I finally decided to become a trucker. It will force me to learn to love myself and will reassure me that the only love and approval I need is my own plus the man upstairs. My life has been an utter whirlwind of ups and down. I'm always trying to find ways to runaway or have life experiences, but I always fall short. I see different cities now on a daily basis. I just need to figure out how to actually experience them with the time allowed.

Coming Along

Dearest Tragedy,
    So I didn't fully finish at rosedale tech, but I was offered to finish my CDL training at PrimeInc. It's been a few weeks in this program and I'm doing it driving a big 18 wheeler, but I'm still lonely. There's gotta be something mentally wrong with me or something. I have no stress out here other than the few bills I have to pay. There's alot to be said about me switching to trucking I'm totally always near my kinda guy some need to remember to shower, but they are some sexy truckers out here. I keep my comments to myself tho my eyes tell everything lol.
   I'll probably be blogging more than I use to when I first creates my blog page. I'll probably blog after my hours are done for the day. That way I can remember everything that happened in that day whether it be bad or a good day. I finally made it to Toronto, Ontario that I've been trying for years to get to. I didn't get experience it the way I'd like to, but the scenery was beautiful. The landscape across America that I've seen so far is breath taking. I also get to see part of Niagara Falls. It wasn't the falls part, it still was nice to see what I could see of it. Just can't wait til I get my own truck and start making this big money.

Sincerely,
Tragedy
   

New Years 2014/2015 ReCap

Dearest Tragedy,


  Well I'm 31 years old now and I'm back home in Pittsburgh Pa. I only lasted in Columbus OH for about a month and half. It taught me a few things about living in another place. Even though I had roommates it still was good to see what I'm capable of doing if I put my mind to it. I found a ok job since I've been back in the medical field. I'm working in a Jewish nursing home and I'm enrolled at attend Rosedale Technical College for CDL/Trucking since I've been think about driving over the road again. I'm currently seeing someone I care a lot for him, but I still feel like something is missing. I love him, but not in love with him I know that will take time.
  With all this going on I still feel like I'm missing out. I'm struggling like everyone else is in this world and I'm still not fully happy. I think its because I' m not fully happy with myself. The sad thing is I don't know what it will take to be happy. I sometimes hear that I have very attractive facial features, but I don't feel attractive there are a few times I see a glimpse of seeing my "pretty". I just dunno what's going on with me anymore I just hope I find "me" soon.

Mentally Drained and Physically Numb

Dearest Tragedy,

   Today my sister did something I didn't approve of. Yes I'm not the most family oriented guy, but it bothered me. I'm not the  best one of my mom's kids but I'm not the craziest either.  I'm at a crossroads of what to do I've already tried to chat with her about it and sheer called me out. Granted I give zero fucks about my past that she called me out on. When it comes down to it I have no kids so my priorities are way different than hers are.  I dunno how to fix it I barely let things bother me, but for some reason this urked me.

  I seem to always think about my past or revisit more than often. I always wonder why some dislike like me was I too aggressive.  Even though now I'm seeing someone it's like am I settling everything seems to fit too well together I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop off. I also am enrolled in school for trucking finally and I wonder how will the dynamic change since I'll be on the road 24/7 with little to no home time cause I kinda want to work on the oilfields and get my hands dirty for a few years. All I know is the medical field and I can truly say I'm burnt out I don't want to do it anymore. I don't mind it, but I lost my passion for it. It's a thankless job and the only ones that get the glory are the nurses and the doctors. I dunno what the rest of the year holds for me I'm kinda giving myself a 2yr education and discovery of myself exploring who I truly am and what I want in my life to completely happy with no points of this malenchoy feeling I always seem to have. As it's said in my favorite quote: "It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!" That's all I've been doin is fighting to survive like everyone has.

Whole Again

Dearest Tragedy,
  Well I've gotten a car yay me! I feel like I'm becoming accomplished very slowly. The next goal is to see get my education on track once again. I just have to keep pushing myself.  Also will be teaching myself on how to eat healthier and hope to drop a few pounds. Slowly meeting people again in hopes of creating new friendships. Learning to find love in my faults that I have and cannot change. I recently met a very nice guy, he makes me smile all the time its refreshing. I have a feeling him and I will be together for a long time, he's definitely husband material.

Dealing

Dearest Tragedy,
  Here I sit wondering why my life is the way it is. Only person to blame is myself sad to say isn't it. I see guys come and go from this city I live in and no ones remembers who they are when they move back. Its a curse I remember faces alot. I was recently called  stuck up and arrogant, but yet I've never been that way towards people. I realize that I'm still too nice. I cry out to change who I am, but for some reason I continue to stay the same. Why can't I make the changes I need to survive in this gay culture that is one question I can never answer. I may smile, laugh, and make jokes but deep down I'm still hurting no matter what I do to try to change that I always come back to feeling this melancholy feeling. In this gay community we are constantly judge for what we look like, how we dress, how much we make, and if we are relevant. I hit on guys all the time forever getting turned down or rejected. I've tried being forward or aggressive I've that and still struck out Maybe I just have no game when it comes to picking up guys, I'm socially awkward and I don't know how to fix it. I'd be the best bf ever I'd love and spoil you the best way I could.  I'd even give my all for you. Why won't guys take that same leap for me?

In My Box

Dearest Tragedy,
  I've learned that I need to return to my box and focus on me. I finally realize that I've grown tried of my old worries. It's time to go into my transformation shell. I'm 30 yo soon to be 31 in August and I haven't changed at all it seems. I'm still worring and caring what other's think of me and not living life to it's fullest. To be honest I'm tired of worrying and caring what people think. No matter what I do I'll always disappoint someone. It's time to stop bitching and really grow up. This is my final chance I'm giving myself.

Becoming Hopefull Again

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I'm beginning to regain hope again. I finally landed a job after 3 months of looking and filling out apps plus going to interviews. Never thought getting a job in my field of work would be so hard. I guess I've learned to cherish having a job and whatever this new job will throw at me I'll will use it as a growing and learning experience. I've told myself this time around think of long term instead of short term. Although I do not like living in this city, it is my home and I'll will work to harder than ever to get back on my feet. It's time I stop fighting this city and let this city help me to become what I will let myself become. I'm 30 years old it's time for me to really put on my big boy pants and truly become an adult. Just hope that I'll have the support from friends and family like I always have had.

Lessons Learned

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I'm back in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania again. Seems like I'm always coming back home. I miss Columbus, but losing my job there and having to come home tells me maybe I just need to stay home forever sadly. This time around it seems harder for me to get back on my feet. I'll have interviews, but never hear anything back. Not sure what's going on with me, I regret some decisions I made after leaving Columbus. I can't change them now. I'm 30yrs old back at home with moms. I'm always trying and maybe I shoot too high, but I guess that's always been my down fall aiming to high and always falling down or giving up when things falter.
  I've looked into schooling and can't start til August if I get accepted of course. Love life is ok I think I'm talkin to a handsome guy, and yes it's long distance. I know lol, but I think he's worth the risk we click so well and he can pick up on my emotions before I do. I am afraid like always, because I have self-esteem issues and I never feel like I'm good enough. My last relationship is you want to call it that I don't think I was fully ready to handle. I guess I gotta focus this time on making me better emotionally and learn how to love me for me as begin to fall in love once more. No one said it would be easy. Some just think I'm a disaster always waiting to happen, but I own it to myself to "risk it to get the biscuit"persay.

I'm Tired

Dearest Tragedy,

  I just been having a really shitty day, month, or what have you. I like my job, but I'm now thinking of a career change once again. Maybe I just need some meds to keep my mind from racing. I expose alot of myself online I shouldn't care what people think, but I can't lie I do. I've been called crazy, desperate, needy (I'll admit that), jaded (at times), asshole (can be), and many others I can list. I wonder what just what will it take for me to completely go over the edge, what will bring me to my limit of breakin to the point I just say fuck it? I honestly don't know I cry out for love and to be held when at times I dunno even know how to love and hold myself, but yet if I decide to just sleep around and be an empty shell then that's also wrong. I can't rule in death by suicide my family totally isn't ready for another death without explanation plus I was told suicide is for selfish people. I have others who say let the lord do  his work, are you even letting the lord in etc etc etc, well if I didn't let him in do you think I'd be goin thru storms that I can barely handle or am I causing my own storms hoping and striving for everyone else's approval in life. There are no backup plans, there are no such things as do-overs just me dealing with my inner self trying to accept the things on the outside. What is love and what is acceptance....if you figure that out I'd buy you a steak no complaints. I am unstable emotionally I give too much of myself in hope that the other person would feel the same, that's all a fairytale. I can barely sleep and function much any more and its causing me to lose too much focus that I forget days I work, what I've already agreed to, and conversations I've had. I'd commit myself, but I can't afford it financially. All I can say is "what now!"

I Need Some "ME" Time

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I had a recent trip to Atl for photo shoot. It went ok I guess you can say. I met people that I've chatted with for years and seen a nice city even had a new experience. Even though. The trip was purely mostly business geared I was too tired to do most this even though I did a lot of running around I should have just relaxed and took in the who experience. Now I'm back home (Columbus) kinda wish I could redo this past weekend. I'm still dancing in my old ways of things and I always tend to overthink its one of my of my character flaws. I'm feeling empty and lonely more than usual I'm happy I moved to a new state and happy I'm experiening new things, bit just feels like somethings missing. I'm starting school soon as well 2 mynute certifications, but I think its what is best for me at this point right now.
  I do though want to start making and sharing memories with someone. My health seems to be ok, but been having a lot of headaches, sharp chest pains, pelvic pain, lower back pain w/ spasms, and knees are getting bad so my age is starting to catch up with me. Just hope I age gracefully and my health gets a little better.

Growing Familar

Dearest Tragedy,

I'm being to have those old familar feelings again. I've been blessed with a new start and imma make sure I don't mess up my blessing. I love my job, my roommates are freaking awesome seriously. So its time I find a school and start bettering myself. This city is growing on me and I'm starting to love it here, other than the drivers of course on that note I need to invest in a truck or suv with a bumper cage on it seriously lol. I miss my mom, sisters, family and my friends back home. I'm slowly making new ones here hopefully by this time next year I'll be a year closer to the education goal I just set for myself. The weight goals will have to weight lol loving this drivethru subway its seriously amazing!!!

Feeling Content

Dearest Tragedy,

Well so far its been a little over 3 weeks living in Columbus Ohio and I have to say that I'm liking it. When I went home for thanksgiving even tho I missed seeing my family I was anxious to get back to Columbus. I went out when I was back home and still felt like I didn't belong even tho I did have a good time with friends. So it seems like so far that this move to Columbus has opened my eyes a little bit, I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side but hey the only thing that I dislike about this city so far is the drivers lol.

Bring On The Adventure

Dearest Tragedy,

Here's a recap I'm still at riverside and I'm quiting I finally obtained a positionn in Columbus Ohio. I'm a lil nervous this will the the second biggest move I've ever done in my life so I guess its normal to feel a lil nervous. I'm 30yo and I'm finally getting out there again to try something new. I guess you can say my lil sis inspired me in a way. She's got a good head on her shoulders and I know if she can do it I can do it as well. I just know I have a lot of growin up to do in a short period time.

Dying On The Inside

Dearest Tragedy,

It's the middle of the year and I'll be turning thirty in a month or so. I'm mostly scared and a little upset with where I'm at in life. Yes I have made plans to change that I just hope I can stick to them and become a even better person when I've achieved my small little goals I have set. Soon I will be hitt the gym more since I'll have alot of extra time on my hands once school starts and moving in with a close friend, I hope he can help whip me into shape as well. I going to try to put love on the back burner and learn to love myself as much as I can. I haven't been doin a good job at that.

Needing Clarity

Dearest Tragedy,

It's two months closer to my birthday month and as it gets closer I get more and more upset with myself at where I am in life. I can't really blame no one but myslef I set too high standards for myself. Will obtaining a little more education actually make feel better about myself and will my life change like I hope it will. Most times I wish I had someone to come home to, but I don't pretty sad huh.