It was an ok day today nothing too crazy I guess. I'm still thinking of Brandon funny huh I've thought about him more now that he's dead than when hes was alive. I'll say it a thousand times "you never know how much you'll truly miss someone til their gone" it riangs too true for me. We only dated a short time....I shoulda held on tighter or something. Maybe its just my emotions or the ban few months I've been having, but I really wish he was still here. I work then sleep and then work some more, I do I try to smile I'll go on lil vacays in hopes that I can renew what I've thought I lost. The facts still remain I can't get over him being gone, I've never said goodbye. I just keep being so hard on myself I'm getting fatter and fatter and I see no light. I've always asked myself when I seen really big people "why would they let themselves get that big" I know the answer now....they've accepted themselves as "that all I can ever be" cause that's where I'm at. I know I need to lose weight yet I do nothing, how do you begin to love yourself when you dunno where to begin? I wanna love hard again, I wanna cry tears of joy and happiness again, I wanna fight about dumb shit and laugh about it later, I wanna hold someone tight in my arms and never let go, I want someone that takes my breath away everytime I see him, I wanna feel pain or cry when I'm not near him....I've become numb. After Brandon I dated Mikey, even tho Brandon was alive when Mikey and I were dating I only thought of him on occasion hopin and wondering if he was ok. I thought I'd given myself fully to Mikey, but I guess I didn't I was still always looking for acceptance from others when Mikey was throwing it at me and I feel bad that I think he thinks that I think that he wasn't good enough for me when he was and still is...I need help. There has to be a logical reason that things just never go well for me, maybe messed up past life or whatever, but they say God won't ever give you too much that you can't handle...well I'm getting to my breaking point. Maybe I just need to take time to truly heal and focus on me, I keep saying I will but I never really do...less taking more acting I'll keep you posted on my progress.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
An Epiphany
Dearest Tragedy,
So here goes, I have epiphanies from time to time, but if I decide now to follow thru with it then I guess I deserve the down fall. It's come to my attention that I need to focus more on myself and invest more in my personal growth. Maybe my fate is to always struggle like everyone else, having a mid-life crisis at twenty-nine is not what I planned for...
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Who Am I?
Dearest Tragedy,
It's hard to say everything I'm feeling and thinking right now my mind is still racing as I type as fast as my fingers will let me. There's a hole inside me for some reason I can't explain maybe its spiritual or whatever, but I'm hurting. I want to start memories with someone and I want to be in LOVE that special kinda love. Where you fight for it, or the world stops every time you see them, or everything they say you hold on to it. Most say I'm looking to hard, some say I set my own bar too high, but what do I say...that question I truly can't answer. I sit here holding back tears and I can't really explain why. It's like I can't breathe, I've looked for a new job and I got one, but now its like nothings changed still the same old things repeating itself. So I applied to another that for some reason I really hope they contact me, but I really doubt if they do. All I can say is a full on mid-life crisis at the age of twenty-nine. I need to find me first and that is a challenge in itself, who know what I can achieve until I can listen to myself for once.
It's hard to say everything I'm feeling and thinking right now my mind is still racing as I type as fast as my fingers will let me. There's a hole inside me for some reason I can't explain maybe its spiritual or whatever, but I'm hurting. I want to start memories with someone and I want to be in LOVE that special kinda love. Where you fight for it, or the world stops every time you see them, or everything they say you hold on to it. Most say I'm looking to hard, some say I set my own bar too high, but what do I say...that question I truly can't answer. I sit here holding back tears and I can't really explain why. It's like I can't breathe, I've looked for a new job and I got one, but now its like nothings changed still the same old things repeating itself. So I applied to another that for some reason I really hope they contact me, but I really doubt if they do. All I can say is a full on mid-life crisis at the age of twenty-nine. I need to find me first and that is a challenge in itself, who know what I can achieve until I can listen to myself for once.
Monday, March 4, 2013
I'm Tired
Dearest Tragedy,
You never know what a person can feel when feeling at the end of ones rope. You can have many friend or tons of family and still feel unwanted. My job I've grown tired of and dunno any other things to do everything out there ur need so type of degree and then they will only pay you minimum wages. Never did I think I'd be facing a mid-life crisis at twenty-nine years old. I lose motivation because in my mind I know that this is all life has to offer me. I know my life could be much worse than it is right now, I could be homeless, jobless, and carless. I know your possessions don't define you, but by society's eyes they do.
Did you ever really read a job posting on Indeed.com or Careerbuilder.com? It's like impossible to meet the standards they are looking for. You gotta have a bachelor's in this or that and your salary is only 30k a year if I have to goto college just for a 10k increase I might as well work ar the bottom of the ladder for a few more years and call it a day. Then you see these get rich quick scrams which I doubt any of them work unless you know how to run an actual business.
I know your probably saying well stop bitching and do something, I try and it seems like nothing comes from me trying. I feel so lost and no matter how many therapist or psychologist I go see none can fix me. I know you church going folks will say pray this and pray that, I've been doing that all my life before I even came out guess hell is my forsure place of residents when I die.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Slow Acceptance
Dearest Tragedy,
I realized that I will never be truly happy til I can fully accept myself for my faults and the things I can't change, but for the things I can change I need to set my mind to do it faithly everyday and give a 100% effort at it. I was called out today at work granted I have let myself go or slacked a lil than when I first got this gig, so now its time to go back way back to the old me. No more goin out, laughing, singing, or anything distracting. I'm goin back into my hole, no excuses no apologies. Maybe shutting myself off for a while is what I truly need to fully assess myself inside and out.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Re-Inventing Me
Dearest Tragedy,
No one told me that my life would turn out the way it has. I'm 29 now, a car and job to speak of and I have no college education to speak of other than my Certified Nursing Assistant Certification. It seems I'm always on a never ending search to find myself or at least start over and try to make myself happy again in my own skin. My love life is non-exsistant, how could I ever love someone when I truly don't even like what I see in the mirror. I had a recent trip to Vegas and it went no where except ruin my life. Before that trip I missed out on a great guy Brandon we dated about a month, now its too late...he's gone and I can't seem to wonder what if I was there...I'll never know. When will I begin to see myself smile again, I dunno know I started this blogging again so I wouldn't lose my mind completely. I dunno what to do or where to go anymore I've hit rock bottom and can't seem to find my way back to the top I can see why some people kill their selves. Monsters and voices are in my head some days dunno why my life has been full of craziness I guess I can only truly blame myself.
Now Its time to change things, no more complaining I need to set up a plan and stick to it I'm almost 30 with very little to show for my life. Yes I've saved lives and helped people, but none of that matter in the gay community it seems or at least now what I have observed since I've been out for about 10yrs now. I soon plan to be actually enrolling into some kinda educational establishment by September 2013 crossing fingers. I'm goin to also try my hardest to change how I eat and try tpo become more healthy. I'll try to post every month or when I feel I need to express myself. I use to have a journal those have been now in the past and it seems people have been doin blog or vid-blogs for yrs, lets see if this will help me accept myself by facing myself as I type and re-read these after time.
No one told me that my life would turn out the way it has. I'm 29 now, a car and job to speak of and I have no college education to speak of other than my Certified Nursing Assistant Certification. It seems I'm always on a never ending search to find myself or at least start over and try to make myself happy again in my own skin. My love life is non-exsistant, how could I ever love someone when I truly don't even like what I see in the mirror. I had a recent trip to Vegas and it went no where except ruin my life. Before that trip I missed out on a great guy Brandon we dated about a month, now its too late...he's gone and I can't seem to wonder what if I was there...I'll never know. When will I begin to see myself smile again, I dunno know I started this blogging again so I wouldn't lose my mind completely. I dunno what to do or where to go anymore I've hit rock bottom and can't seem to find my way back to the top I can see why some people kill their selves. Monsters and voices are in my head some days dunno why my life has been full of craziness I guess I can only truly blame myself.
Now Its time to change things, no more complaining I need to set up a plan and stick to it I'm almost 30 with very little to show for my life. Yes I've saved lives and helped people, but none of that matter in the gay community it seems or at least now what I have observed since I've been out for about 10yrs now. I soon plan to be actually enrolling into some kinda educational establishment by September 2013 crossing fingers. I'm goin to also try my hardest to change how I eat and try tpo become more healthy. I'll try to post every month or when I feel I need to express myself. I use to have a journal those have been now in the past and it seems people have been doin blog or vid-blogs for yrs, lets see if this will help me accept myself by facing myself as I type and re-read these after time.
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