I'm Tired

Dearest Tragedy,

  I just been having a really shitty day, month, or what have you. I like my job, but I'm now thinking of a career change once again. Maybe I just need some meds to keep my mind from racing. I expose alot of myself online I shouldn't care what people think, but I can't lie I do. I've been called crazy, desperate, needy (I'll admit that), jaded (at times), asshole (can be), and many others I can list. I wonder what just what will it take for me to completely go over the edge, what will bring me to my limit of breakin to the point I just say fuck it? I honestly don't know I cry out for love and to be held when at times I dunno even know how to love and hold myself, but yet if I decide to just sleep around and be an empty shell then that's also wrong. I can't rule in death by suicide my family totally isn't ready for another death without explanation plus I was told suicide is for selfish people. I have others who say let the lord do  his work, are you even letting the lord in etc etc etc, well if I didn't let him in do you think I'd be goin thru storms that I can barely handle or am I causing my own storms hoping and striving for everyone else's approval in life. There are no backup plans, there are no such things as do-overs just me dealing with my inner self trying to accept the things on the outside. What is love and what is acceptance....if you figure that out I'd buy you a steak no complaints. I am unstable emotionally I give too much of myself in hope that the other person would feel the same, that's all a fairytale. I can barely sleep and function much any more and its causing me to lose too much focus that I forget days I work, what I've already agreed to, and conversations I've had. I'd commit myself, but I can't afford it financially. All I can say is "what now!"