Bring On The Adventure

Dearest Tragedy,

Here's a recap I'm still at riverside and I'm quiting I finally obtained a positionn in Columbus Ohio. I'm a lil nervous this will the the second biggest move I've ever done in my life so I guess its normal to feel a lil nervous. I'm 30yo and I'm finally getting out there again to try something new. I guess you can say my lil sis inspired me in a way. She's got a good head on her shoulders and I know if she can do it I can do it as well. I just know I have a lot of growin up to do in a short period time.

Dying On The Inside

Dearest Tragedy,

It's the middle of the year and I'll be turning thirty in a month or so. I'm mostly scared and a little upset with where I'm at in life. Yes I have made plans to change that I just hope I can stick to them and become a even better person when I've achieved my small little goals I have set. Soon I will be hitt the gym more since I'll have alot of extra time on my hands once school starts and moving in with a close friend, I hope he can help whip me into shape as well. I going to try to put love on the back burner and learn to love myself as much as I can. I haven't been doin a good job at that.

Needing Clarity

Dearest Tragedy,

It's two months closer to my birthday month and as it gets closer I get more and more upset with myself at where I am in life. I can't really blame no one but myslef I set too high standards for myself. Will obtaining a little more education actually make feel better about myself and will my life change like I hope it will. Most times I wish I had someone to come home to, but I don't pretty sad huh.

Losing Myself

Dearest Tragedy,

Well its mother's day didn't really get moms anything, but I did tell her happy mothers day. I'm not myself anymore I'm never happy or motovated to do anything anymore, maybe I'm sick and don't know it...who knows right. I was talkin to this kid in Atlanta, but like everything else that didn't seems like a pattern and of course I look like the bad guy; jerk; and the ass even. What is wrong with me, maybe I should just take my life wouldn't thing be easier on everyone. I am lazy I am stupid I'm worthless what's is my reason for being here.

Upcoming Events

Dearest Tragedy,

Soon I will be headed to Chicago for BearPride weekend most say it will be a blast, but I have my reservations like I always do when goin to a bear event. I just hope that I'll let everything go amd just be myself reguardless of what others may think of me. After that fingers crossed I'll be preparing to get ready for school. Its gonna be a long road, but I'm it will be worth it.

Unsettling Acceptance

Dearest Tragedy,

 It was an ok day today nothing too crazy I guess. I'm still thinking of Brandon funny huh I've thought about him more now that he's dead than when hes was alive. I'll say it a thousand times "you never know how much you'll truly miss someone til their gone" it riangs too true for me. We only dated a short time....I shoulda held on tighter or something. Maybe its just my emotions or the ban few months I've been having, but I really wish he was still here. I work then sleep and then work some more, I do I try to smile I'll go on lil vacays in hopes that I can renew what I've thought I lost. The facts still remain I can't get over him being gone, I've never said goodbye. I just keep being so hard on myself I'm getting fatter and fatter and I see no light. I've always asked myself when I seen really big people "why would they let themselves get that big" I know the answer now....they've accepted themselves as "that all I can ever be" cause that's where I'm at. I know I need to lose weight yet I do nothing, how do you begin to love yourself when you dunno where to begin? I wanna love hard again, I wanna cry tears of joy and happiness again, I wanna fight about dumb shit and laugh about it later, I wanna hold someone tight in my arms and never let go, I want someone that takes my breath away everytime I see him, I wanna feel pain or cry when I'm not near him....I've become numb. After Brandon I dated Mikey, even tho Brandon was alive when Mikey and I were dating I only thought of him on occasion hopin and wondering if he was ok. I thought I'd given myself fully to Mikey, but I guess I didn't I was still always looking for acceptance from others when Mikey was throwing it at me and I feel bad that I think he thinks that I think that he wasn't good enough for me when he was and still is...I need help. There has to be a logical reason that things just never go well for me, maybe messed up past life or whatever, but they say God won't ever give you too much that you can't handle...well I'm getting to my breaking point. Maybe I just need to take time to truly heal and focus on me, I keep saying I will but I never really do...less taking more acting I'll keep you posted on my progress.

An Epiphany

Dearest Tragedy,

So here goes, I have epiphanies from time to time, but if I decide now to follow thru with it then I guess I deserve the down fall. It's come to my attention that I need to focus more on myself and invest more in my personal growth. Maybe my fate is to always struggle like everyone else, having a mid-life crisis at twenty-nine is not what I planned for...