It was an ok day today nothing too crazy I guess. I'm still thinking of Brandon funny huh I've thought about him more now that he's dead than when hes was alive. I'll say it a thousand times "you never know how much you'll truly miss someone til their gone" it riangs too true for me. We only dated a short time....I shoulda held on tighter or something. Maybe its just my emotions or the ban few months I've been having, but I really wish he was still here. I work then sleep and then work some more, I do I try to smile I'll go on lil vacays in hopes that I can renew what I've thought I lost. The facts still remain I can't get over him being gone, I've never said goodbye. I just keep being so hard on myself I'm getting fatter and fatter and I see no light. I've always asked myself when I seen really big people "why would they let themselves get that big" I know the answer now....they've accepted themselves as "that all I can ever be" cause that's where I'm at. I know I need to lose weight yet I do nothing, how do you begin to love yourself when you dunno where to begin? I wanna love hard again, I wanna cry tears of joy and happiness again, I wanna fight about dumb shit and laugh about it later, I wanna hold someone tight in my arms and never let go, I want someone that takes my breath away everytime I see him, I wanna feel pain or cry when I'm not near him....I've become numb. After Brandon I dated Mikey, even tho Brandon was alive when Mikey and I were dating I only thought of him on occasion hopin and wondering if he was ok. I thought I'd given myself fully to Mikey, but I guess I didn't I was still always looking for acceptance from others when Mikey was throwing it at me and I feel bad that I think he thinks that I think that he wasn't good enough for me when he was and still is...I need help. There has to be a logical reason that things just never go well for me, maybe messed up past life or whatever, but they say God won't ever give you too much that you can't handle...well I'm getting to my breaking point. Maybe I just need to take time to truly heal and focus on me, I keep saying I will but I never really do...less taking more acting I'll keep you posted on my progress.
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