Dealing

Dearest Tragedy,
  Here I sit wondering why my life is the way it is. Only person to blame is myself sad to say isn't it. I see guys come and go from this city I live in and no ones remembers who they are when they move back. Its a curse I remember faces alot. I was recently called  stuck up and arrogant, but yet I've never been that way towards people. I realize that I'm still too nice. I cry out to change who I am, but for some reason I continue to stay the same. Why can't I make the changes I need to survive in this gay culture that is one question I can never answer. I may smile, laugh, and make jokes but deep down I'm still hurting no matter what I do to try to change that I always come back to feeling this melancholy feeling. In this gay community we are constantly judge for what we look like, how we dress, how much we make, and if we are relevant. I hit on guys all the time forever getting turned down or rejected. I've tried being forward or aggressive I've that and still struck out Maybe I just have no game when it comes to picking up guys, I'm socially awkward and I don't know how to fix it. I'd be the best bf ever I'd love and spoil you the best way I could.  I'd even give my all for you. Why won't guys take that same leap for me?

In My Box

Dearest Tragedy,
  I've learned that I need to return to my box and focus on me. I finally realize that I've grown tried of my old worries. It's time to go into my transformation shell. I'm 30 yo soon to be 31 in August and I haven't changed at all it seems. I'm still worring and caring what other's think of me and not living life to it's fullest. To be honest I'm tired of worrying and caring what people think. No matter what I do I'll always disappoint someone. It's time to stop bitching and really grow up. This is my final chance I'm giving myself.

Becoming Hopefull Again

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I'm beginning to regain hope again. I finally landed a job after 3 months of looking and filling out apps plus going to interviews. Never thought getting a job in my field of work would be so hard. I guess I've learned to cherish having a job and whatever this new job will throw at me I'll will use it as a growing and learning experience. I've told myself this time around think of long term instead of short term. Although I do not like living in this city, it is my home and I'll will work to harder than ever to get back on my feet. It's time I stop fighting this city and let this city help me to become what I will let myself become. I'm 30 years old it's time for me to really put on my big boy pants and truly become an adult. Just hope that I'll have the support from friends and family like I always have had.

Lessons Learned

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I'm back in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania again. Seems like I'm always coming back home. I miss Columbus, but losing my job there and having to come home tells me maybe I just need to stay home forever sadly. This time around it seems harder for me to get back on my feet. I'll have interviews, but never hear anything back. Not sure what's going on with me, I regret some decisions I made after leaving Columbus. I can't change them now. I'm 30yrs old back at home with moms. I'm always trying and maybe I shoot too high, but I guess that's always been my down fall aiming to high and always falling down or giving up when things falter.
  I've looked into schooling and can't start til August if I get accepted of course. Love life is ok I think I'm talkin to a handsome guy, and yes it's long distance. I know lol, but I think he's worth the risk we click so well and he can pick up on my emotions before I do. I am afraid like always, because I have self-esteem issues and I never feel like I'm good enough. My last relationship is you want to call it that I don't think I was fully ready to handle. I guess I gotta focus this time on making me better emotionally and learn how to love me for me as begin to fall in love once more. No one said it would be easy. Some just think I'm a disaster always waiting to happen, but I own it to myself to "risk it to get the biscuit"persay.

I'm Tired

Dearest Tragedy,

  I just been having a really shitty day, month, or what have you. I like my job, but I'm now thinking of a career change once again. Maybe I just need some meds to keep my mind from racing. I expose alot of myself online I shouldn't care what people think, but I can't lie I do. I've been called crazy, desperate, needy (I'll admit that), jaded (at times), asshole (can be), and many others I can list. I wonder what just what will it take for me to completely go over the edge, what will bring me to my limit of breakin to the point I just say fuck it? I honestly don't know I cry out for love and to be held when at times I dunno even know how to love and hold myself, but yet if I decide to just sleep around and be an empty shell then that's also wrong. I can't rule in death by suicide my family totally isn't ready for another death without explanation plus I was told suicide is for selfish people. I have others who say let the lord do  his work, are you even letting the lord in etc etc etc, well if I didn't let him in do you think I'd be goin thru storms that I can barely handle or am I causing my own storms hoping and striving for everyone else's approval in life. There are no backup plans, there are no such things as do-overs just me dealing with my inner self trying to accept the things on the outside. What is love and what is acceptance....if you figure that out I'd buy you a steak no complaints. I am unstable emotionally I give too much of myself in hope that the other person would feel the same, that's all a fairytale. I can barely sleep and function much any more and its causing me to lose too much focus that I forget days I work, what I've already agreed to, and conversations I've had. I'd commit myself, but I can't afford it financially. All I can say is "what now!"

I Need Some "ME" Time

Dearest Tragedy,

  Well I had a recent trip to Atl for photo shoot. It went ok I guess you can say. I met people that I've chatted with for years and seen a nice city even had a new experience. Even though. The trip was purely mostly business geared I was too tired to do most this even though I did a lot of running around I should have just relaxed and took in the who experience. Now I'm back home (Columbus) kinda wish I could redo this past weekend. I'm still dancing in my old ways of things and I always tend to overthink its one of my of my character flaws. I'm feeling empty and lonely more than usual I'm happy I moved to a new state and happy I'm experiening new things, bit just feels like somethings missing. I'm starting school soon as well 2 mynute certifications, but I think its what is best for me at this point right now.
  I do though want to start making and sharing memories with someone. My health seems to be ok, but been having a lot of headaches, sharp chest pains, pelvic pain, lower back pain w/ spasms, and knees are getting bad so my age is starting to catch up with me. Just hope I age gracefully and my health gets a little better.

Growing Familar

Dearest Tragedy,

I'm being to have those old familar feelings again. I've been blessed with a new start and imma make sure I don't mess up my blessing. I love my job, my roommates are freaking awesome seriously. So its time I find a school and start bettering myself. This city is growing on me and I'm starting to love it here, other than the drivers of course on that note I need to invest in a truck or suv with a bumper cage on it seriously lol. I miss my mom, sisters, family and my friends back home. I'm slowly making new ones here hopefully by this time next year I'll be a year closer to the education goal I just set for myself. The weight goals will have to weight lol loving this drivethru subway its seriously amazing!!!